So Maybe I'm Clinically Depressed, But I Sure Am Happy To Meet You!

I’ve always known that some day I’d launch this blog. I assumed we’d meet under better circumstances, you and I. I’d imagine that I’d be sipping wine, I am, smiling at the glance of my children in the distance, and sharing my journey of woman, wife, mom, and entrepreneur. Instead I tilt my glass of pinot noir focusing on the soothing sound of my running bath water while trying to ignore the screeching cries of my 12 month old. I’m on the verge of mental and emotional collapse so I’ve transferred the burden of my toddlers onto my 10 year old. I pray she’s better equipped! I’m hiding, both literally and figuratively. I’m drowning in my sorrows. I should probably see someone professionally in regards to my current mental and emotional state. My current existence makes me feel uncomfortably overwhelmed. 

I don’t know who I am anymore. It feels odd to even think such a thought. Few things in this world are fully within your control surely ‘you’ should be one of them, but I’m not. I don’t say this on some over dramatic rant to find pity. I’m lost, and though I’ve realized this time ago I remain unfound. I don’t have a solution. I say things like you need to set aside time for yourself, but I don’t. I’ll try and I can’t. I’ll commit, attempt to implement, and my agenda is taken over by someone’s needs because as wives and mothers it’s our primary responsibility to ensure the well-being of our families, right? 

I’m trying my damndest to continue providing for and nurturing my family with a smile on my face, but the truth is I hate what my life has become. It isn’t the people, the roles, or the titles. If I had to guess I’d say this hatred is largely a result or what, better yet WHO, I’ve sacrificed to get here. I love my husband and my family. I love my children both collectively and independently. I love being a wife as well as a mother, but I would surely like to exist as a woman first. Am I making sense here? Is there anyone that can relate to a feeling of lacking human nature somewhere between marriage and children?

For the last three years I’ve looked in the mirror and my reflection is unrecognizable. My wardrobe has succumb to oversized t-shirts and athletic shorts. I’m a makeup artist, but haven’t worn makeup in years. I exude my exhaustion like a banner, but I’m not proud.  Not even mascara can rescue my tired eyes, my skincare routine can’t seem to outperform my stress levels, and I simply don’t even care enough to get dressed anymore. Some may minimize these cries as superficial, but deep down inside these things matter to me. Truly all that matters is what you deem important. I guess I need to spell out my non-negotiables not only for myself, but for the rest of my family.

I imagine that what I am experiencing is the prime example of what happens when you allow your love for others to supersede your love for yourself! Society makes being selfless sound so good until you find yourself in a state of resentment.  Oh, one could never resent their family. A mother could never resent her children. How could you feel anything less than love for the man who protects, provides for, and leads your family? Well go on and give them everything you’ve got, including your portion, and watch your demise. 

If I am honest, and as we journey together you will find that I am honest, I am angry and bitter! I’m not proud to be those things, but nonetheless they are my truth. I realized that I was overextending myself and ignored my intuition. I should really only be upset with myself, but anger likes a culprit outside of its host so I’m justified in also being angry with my husband. After all he should know that I can’t pour from an empty cup, right? I laugh because the spirit of expectation will disappoint you every time! I’m trying to find grace to extend to both myself and my spouse. 

In the meantime I commit to taking some time to be selfish and focus solely on my own existence for a few days. I will be searching for a therapist to aid along my journey as I realize this is not an overnight recovery. These are demanding roles that we fill, but we must protect our peace, pour into our spirits, and nurture our own beings to plant seeds that will result in bountiful harvests for our families. 

I look forward to this period of discovery with myself. I was tempted to say rediscovery, but I realize that I am not destined to be who I was anyway. I hope that God reveals something new in me! I pray that through my journey I am connected with other women who are experiencing similar growing pains. May our journeys be encouraging to one another! May we inspire those we encounter!

As always please share with me in the comments. I love to hear your opinions, stories, and advice! Let’s cultivate a community that prunes us for our destinies!